The Labyrinth of Treatment

If you've ever been in therapy before, whether it was for ongoing support or a specific issue, you've probably experienced the feeling of doing really well and then having a setback.  The whole two steps forward, one step back type of thing.  Or maybe it was one step forward and something happened that made you feel like you went 10 steps back, or even back to where you started.  You've probably heard from someone, be it your treatment team, parent, partner or friend, to "stay positive and keep going."  As a therapist, I try to steer clear of what I like to call the "therapist one-liners" including but not limited to: "recovery is not linear," "I totally understand," or the ever-so-common "how does that make you feel?" Not my style - but I digress.  I can only imagine the frustration of working day in and day out to change a behavior, mindset or communication pattern, especially one that has been there for years, only to fall right back into it. You know it's harmful, you have the insight, you've thought it through, yet you find yourself taking what feels like 1, 10 or even 100 steps backward. 

Take a breath.  All of that hard work, all of that insight and all of that dedication is not erased.  It's a part of the process, one that is uniquely yours. In situations like this, I like to use the analogy of a labyrinth.  Bear with me. I say this knowing that when one thinks of a labyrinth, it's usually not something that sounds comforting. It's also probably not something you want to hear from your therapist either (remember how I feel about those one-liners).  You hear the word and you might think of some confusing maze that you can't escape - a confusing and nauseating trap.  Maybe you think of the David Bowie movie....  Either way, the very definition of the word is "something that is extremely complex and torturous in structure, arrangement or character."  

All of that being said, when you take a closer look at a labyrinth, you'll notice that it isn't a maze at all.  A maze is something you must get out of. It's a guessing game and if you make the wrong turn, you hit a dead end.  It's filled with decision points, frustration and a lot of uncertainty. A labyrinth, on the other hand, is very different. Look at the picture above and start tracing the path with your finger. You'll notice that it's one long, continuous trail. Yes, it's filled with twists and turns, but eventually you get to the center. There is no right or wrong and the goal is not to escape. Sometimes you think you're getting really close to the endpoint but then you take a turn and you end up somewhere that FEELS further away.  However, by making that turn you are actually getting closer to the center. It's a part of the path that cannot be avoided.  Eventually, if you keep moving forward, you'll there. 

So now let's apply this to therapy.  You are making great progress, feeling really proud of yourself and thinking that you're close to your goals (the "center").  Then something happens and those old patterns come back.  You feel like you're moving backward, when in reality you are actually moving forward. You may have taken that long turn towards the outside of the labyrinth, but you are still moving in the right direction. Rather than beating yourself up about making the "wrong" decision, try to remember that this is a part of your process. If you try to skip over it, you won't make it to the middle.  

It takes a lot of courage to decide to step into the labyrinth of treatment.  You write it as you go and it's filled with many unexpected bumps and curves.  However you take that first step, then another step and then other one and ultimately, you'll find yourself where you need to be. 

Why You Need an Eating Disorder Specialist

So. You’ve acknowlwedged that you have an unhealthy relationsip with food.  You’ve decided to get help.  You look online and there are hundreds of therapists in your area.  You call your insurance company and get a never ending list of therapists who claim to be ED specialists – you call some of them and worry that they don’t actually get it.  This is really important - you don't want just anyone.  Maybe you hate yourself when you look in the mirror.  Maybe it’s gotten so bad that you’ve have been hospitalized, or it’s gotten in the way of work, your relationships, or your social life.  Perhaps you have opted for surgery of some kind, but it still isn’t enough.  Or maybe you have been on a diet for as long as you can remember – categorizing your days as “good” or “bad” based on what you ate (or didn't eat), or what the number on the scale says.

You’ve come to the right place.

An eating disorder is a complex illness.  Unlike most, it is overwhelmingly emotional and undeniably physical.  It requires a treatment that is just as sophisticated and aggressive.  How many times have you been told by a therapist to practice “healthy distraction?” You feel sad – watch a funny movie; you feel lonely – go to a café; you have urges – do something with your hands; you feel anxious - do a guided meditation on that app you got.  That’s all fine and good until you sit down at 9pm, after a full day of distraction, and it all comes flooding back.  So then what?

It is important to remember that an eating disorder is a coping skill.  The obsession of food (whether it is restricting or over-indulging) and weight has served some type of emotional purpose for you.  Maybe the bingeing numbs you, or the purging gives you a “fresh start," the restricting makes you feel powerful and in control.  All in all, this just takes you away from whatever it is you are truly feeling.  What we don't want to do - and what many traditional therapies will recommend - is we don’t want to replace one distraction with another, popularly deemed “healthy,” distraction.  As Robert Frost said, “the only way out is through.”  If you are deciding to embark on your recovery journey, it is imperative that you accept that it will not be easy.  It will hurt.  You will feel worse before you feel better.  You will want to stop.  Every fiber of your being will tell you why your team is wrong, or why it makes perfect sense to go on that run, skip lunch tomorrow, or why you deserve to gorge yourself after such a hard day.

You must find someone who understands the intricacies of an eating disorder; someone who will call you out when you have a seemingly rational argument as to why using food, in whatever capacity, is warranted.  In a world of distraction – social media, music, kindles, etc. – you need to look at what is truly driving the engine.  You deserve it and, with the right help, you can do it.